Masonlar.org - Harici Forumu
Diğer Lisanlar => English => Masonic Jokes => Konuyu başlatan: MASON - Eylül 28, 2006, 01:59:19 ös
-
It seems a Jewish family had rented an apartment
that sat directly under the Masonic Temple, and at
least once a month they would always hear this
stomping from above. One day Izzy told his wife he
was going to drill a hole in the ceiling and see what
those Masons were up to. After doing so, one
evening he heard some stomping coming from above,
so he got his ladder, climbed up and decided to take a peek.
After a few moments, he flew down the ladder and ran in and told his
wife
to pack all their belongs and
"Let's get out of here and fast !!!" When she
asked why, Izzy told her that he was just peeking
in on the Masons above and saw them kill a man and
said they were going to blame it on the
'JEW-BELOW.'
-----------------------------------------
A little before Lodge
is about to open an old man
totters up to the Tyler and says, "I'm here to
receive my 2nd degree." Well, they all look at
this guy, who really is older than dirt, and they
ask him to explain. "I was entered on July 4,
1922. Now I'm ready for my 2nd degree." So they go
scurrying for the records, and sure enough, there
was his name, entered on July 4, 1922. "Where have
you been all these years? What took you so long to
be ready for your 2nd?" they ask. Reply: "Learning
to subdue my passions!"
-----------------------------------------
A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was
preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening
in June and it's air conditioner had stopped
working. After sweating their way through part of
the work, the Master had asked the candidate what
he most desired. The candidate replied "a beer".
At this juncture the WM., being startled,
whispered "light" to the candidate. "OK," the
candidate replied, "a lite beer."
--------------------------------------------
A man is walking through the recreation area of
his local park when he notices a huge fight in
full fury on the football field he is passing.
"What's going on?" he asks a spectator watching
from the sidelines. The other replies, "It's a
game between the Masons and the Knights of
Columbus." "What's the score?", asks the first
man. "I don't know, it's a secret."
----------------------------------------------
As an outlaw was about to be hanged, he was asked by the hangman if he had any last words.
The outlaw said he did and started, "I was framed by the Freemasons!"
"What do you mean?", asked the hangman.
"The guy who said I stole his horse is a Freemason. The sheriff is a Freemason. The posse had 11 of 12 men who are Freemasons. The jury that tried me had 12 Freemasons and to top it off, the judge was a Freemason. I was framed by the Masons!!!"
The hangman asked if there was any more the horse thief wanted to say and the answer being, "No", the hangman said, "Take one step with your left foot."
-------------------------------------------------
Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other long ago that the first to go to the Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven and what they were like.
By and by, it came to pass that Bill went first.
One day shortly after, Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, " Pssst Pat!"
He looked around but saw nothing. A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly " Pat! Its me, Bill!"
"Bill" Pat exclaimed, "are you in Heaven?"
"Indeed I am" said Bill.
Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said " Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?"
"There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and they are quite magnificent, equal or better than any we have seen. The meetings are well attended, the ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive."
" My goodness, Bill," said Pat, " It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad. Tell me old friend, what is the matter."
" Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad."
" OK, Whats the good news?"
" The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday"
"Great" said Pat. " What's the bad news then?"
" You're the Senior Deacon! "
----------------------------------------------
The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish.
"OK," said the WM, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly. So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can drive to Hawaii."
"I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don't you know that's impossible? No Genie could do that. It's too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyond anybody's power. You will have to make another wish."
"OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!"
"Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"
-----------------------------------------------
How many masons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Don't know?
Nor do I, cos it's a secret!!!
-------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous lightbulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain about the way they USED to screw in lightbulbs.
---------------------------------------------------
Postman
A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to GOD. The postman, seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it. It was from a man who was down on his luck, and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $50 to get his family through the next week. The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow. The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and received twenty five dollars from the brethren. The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did. Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to GOD. Again he opened and read the letter, which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send any future funds through the Knights of Columbus, as the Masons had kept half.
-----------------------------------------------
DO-GOODERS!
There is the incident of the Irish cop who stopped a carful of Shriners for speeding. When he was that they were wearing fezes he said, "Oh! Your Shriners are you? Then I'll letyou off this time because they do a lot of good. BUT if you were Masons I'd run you all in.
-------------------------------------------------------------
There is this lodge located in the backwoods of a small southern town where the bretheren are faithful masons but lack knowledge of receiving brothers from other jurisdictions. During one of the meetings, the JD informs the WM that there was an alarm at the door where upon the WM replied "Attend the alarm and report your findings ". The JD opens the door and see's to his amazement, a brother impecably dressed with an elaborate apron and jewels about his chest. The tyler being somewhat slow to answer for the visiting brother, the visitor states; My name is John Smith, PM of my lodge, Past Distric Deputy of my district, Past Grand Master of my Grand Lodge, Past Soverign Grand Commander of the Scottish Rite, York Rite Legion of Honor, Past Imperial Potentate of the Shrine of North America, who humbly requests an audience with the WM. The JD upon hearing these words from the visiting brother and the elaborate apron and jewels upon his chest, immediately closes the door, returns to his post and informs the WM: "Worshipful Master, The Grand Architect of the Universe is at the door"!!!
------------------------------------------------------------
One night Rabbie Burns (Scottish Bard) was at a night out when he saw this gorgeous woman. Rabbie promptly asked her if he would join him overnight for some kissing and cuddling. The woman said "yes, but only if you make me a mason". Rabbie said "yes", and the woman followed him home. "Will you make me a mason" she asks Rabbie. "Yes" he replied, but you will need to take your clothes off. The woman tore her clothes off and the had a passionate night together. Waking in the morning the lady asks "Rabbie, have you made me a mason yet". He replied "No, but may this be a prick of torture to your flesh in the meantime"
----------------------------------------------------------------
two candidates were elected to enter on the same lodge night, one was a butcher and the other a sales rep. on the night of initiation the butcher went in first,when it came to the charge at the north east corner it was discovered that he had a quarter pound of liver in his pocket that he was going to deliver on his way home, obviously this had to be taken away. the JD took this to the tyler and said this is the butchers liver ,and to this day we havnt seen the sales rep
----------------------------------------------------------------
Two non Masons were passing a lodge after have quite a few drinks.
What do you think goes on in there? asks one.
I don't know but I am going in to find out, said the other.
After two or three minutes he comes flying out of the door all bloody and clothes ripped.
What happened to you? asks the first.
Well he said, after passing through the entryway, I climbed a winding stair. When I got to the top I came to a door with a small door at head height and so I knocked.
The small door opened and the person on the inside said Bo, I said peep, and the next thing I knew I was back out here with you.
-----------------------------------------------------
A freemason found himself a contestant on the popular tv show "mastermind".
after the presenter had exchanged the usual greetings and enquired his name and occupation the brother declared his "chosen specialist subject" to be "the history of Scottish Freemasonry since the foundation of Grand Lodge" the first question was, in what year was the Grand Lodge of Scotland founded? to which the brother answered "pass".
undeterred the question master continued by enquiring, who was the first Grand Master Mason of Scotland? as in the former instance the brother's answer was "pass". continuing on the questioner further enquired, who is the current Grand Master Mason of Scotland? and for a third time the answer was "pass". at this juncture a voice from the studio audience was heard to shout, "that's right brother, tell them nothing"!
-------------------------------------------------------
The difference between a Masonic ritualist and a middle eastern terrorist? You can negotiate with the terrorist!
-
This was so nice to read and so funny. Thank you very much for this post.
-
I personally like the one at the bottom. It is funny but it still shows our loyalty.
-
Absolutely, the one at the bottom is a joke which is just short and so genuine. A sentence enough to comment about Masons' mentality. I've liked it very much.
-
hi I AM ENGIN...PLEASE CAN YOU TRANSLATE TO TURKISH?
-
I found these and wanted to share them with you..
It was a great tragedy when the Lodge burned to the ground. The
brothers were having a new lodge built, but in the interim, they had
no place to go for regular meetings or degree work. One of the
brothers owned a hotel and figured they could use the conference room
in his hotel for their meetings. They agreed and met there regularly.
Four months pass and a traveling salesman is passing through town and
decides to stay at the hotel. As luck would have it, he was checking
in on one of the lodge meeting nights. He spied the men in white
aprons filing into the conference room and asked the deskclerk, "I
say, are those freemasons?" The clerk replied that they were and
explained about the lodge burning down and the subsequent use of the
hotel for meetings. "Well, said the salesman, "I've been thinking
about joining. Do you think it's hard to do so?" The clerk
shrugged, "I'd say it's pretty tough. You see that guy standing by
the door with a sword? Well, he's been knocking on that door for four
months now and they still won't let him in."
While visiting a newly initiated brother at home one day, the new
brother's wife took me to one side and said her husband had started
behaving very strange since joining.
I asked in what way?
She said that he locks himself in the toilet for hours on end
mumbling to himself with his little blue book.
Later that evening I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he
was getting on.
Oh fine was his reply.
I asked him about his behavior and if there was anything wrong.
No, was his reply.
So why read the book there?
Well he said "Its the only TILED room in the house"....
A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the
Lodge, but before this could happen the car broke down. The Candidate
said as it was no great distance he would go on his bicycle.
Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke. As the
Lodge was at the bottom of the other side and all he needed was a
backpedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord he had in his
pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge.
Later that evening in reply to a toast in his honor, he said how
proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had
told no one, how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel
and a cord.
-
Especially the first one is great. Thank you.
-
I'm currently searching for more. I will add them if I can find
-
Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous lightbulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain about the way they USED to screw in lightbulbs.
Q: How many Masons does it take to unscrew a light bulb?
A: It's a secret!
Q. How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?
A. After much research this tricky question can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:
2 to complain that the light doesn't work.
1 to pass the problem to either another committee, the Temple Board or the Master of the Lodge.
3 to do a study on light in the Lodge.
2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use.
3 to argue about it.
5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb.
2 to complain that "that's not the way we did it before."
1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it.
1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.
A little before Lodge is about to open an old man totters up to the Tyler and says, "I'm here to receive my 2nd degree."
Well, they all look at this guy, who really is older than dirt, and they ask him to explain.
"I was entered on July 4, 1922. Now I'm ready for my 2nd degree."
So they go scurrying for the records, and sure enough, there was his name, entered on July 4, 1922.
"Where have you been all these years? What took you so long to be ready for your 2nd?" they ask.
He replied: "I was learning to subdue my passions!"
A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The conversation goes something like this:
She: Well how'd it go ?
He: Very well - most interesting
She: What did go on ?
He: I'm not really sure if I can tell you about it.
She: Well is there anything you *can* tell me ?
He: Well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge -walkers, talkers and Holy men.
She: What do they do - if you can tell me ?
He: The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked to me and to the walkers as I was led around ....
She: And the Holy men ? What of them ?
He: They seem to be a special class of men - all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly - "Oh My God Oh My God !"
-- Found on a cup in a Lodge in Ireland:
"OLD MASONS NEVER DIE, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO JOIN TO FIND OUT WHY
One at the bottom and the 4th are really good
-
------------------------------------------------------------
One night Rabbie Burns (Scottish Bard) was at a night out when he saw this gorgeous woman. Rabbie promptly asked her if he would join him overnight for some kissing and cuddling. The woman said "yes, but only if you make me a mason". Rabbie said "yes", and the woman followed him home. "Will you make me a mason" she asks Rabbie. "Yes" he replied, but you will need to take your clothes off. The woman tore her clothes off and the had a passionate night together. Waking in the morning the lady asks "Rabbie, have you made me a mason yet". He replied "No, but may this be a prick of torture to your flesh in the meantime"
---------------------------------------------------------------
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D
-
Joke 1:
While visiting a newly initiated brother at home one day, the new brother's wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange since joining.
I asked in what way?
She said that he locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book.
Later that evening I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he was getting on.
Oh fine was his reply.
I asked him about his behavior and if there was anything wrong.
No, was his reply.
So why read the book there?
Well he said "Its the only TILED room in the house"....
Joke 2:
A small Lodge had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it's air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired.
The candidate replied "a beer".
At this juncture the WM., being startled, whispered "light" to the candidate.
"OK," the candidate replied, "a lite beer."
Joke 3:
A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but before this could happen the car broke down. The Candidate said as it was no great distance he would go on his bicycle.
Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke. As the Lodge was at the bottom of the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge.
Later that evening in reply to a toast in his honor, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one, how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord.
Joke 4:
How many Masons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to change the bulb, one to read the minutes from the previous changing, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain that this wasn't how they used to change bulbs in his day.
Joke 5:
It was a great tragedy when the Lodge burned to the ground. The brothers were having a new lodge built, but in the interim, they had no place to go for regular meetings or degree work. One of the brothers owned a hotel and figured they could use the conference room in his hotel for their meetings. They agreed and met there regularly. Four months pass and a traveling salesman is passing through town and decides to stay at the hotel. As luck would have it, he was checking in on one of the lodge meeting nights. He spied the men in white aprons filing into the conference room and asked the deskclerk, "I say, are those freemasons?" The clerk replied that they were and explained about the lodge burning down and the subsequent use of the hotel for meetings. "Well, said the salesman, "I've been thinking about joining. Do you think it's hard to do so?" The clerk shrugged, "I'd say it's pretty tough. You see that guy standing by the door with a sword? Well, he's been knocking on that door for four months now and they still won't let him in."
Joke 6:
Bob and Bill were brother masons and great friends for most of their lives. They had always maintained that when one of them passed on to that Grand Lodge above, he would attempt to make contact with the other and tell him all about what heaven was like. As it happpend, Bill went first. One night Bob is just drifting off to sleep when he hears Bill's voice calling to him.
"Is that you, Bill?
"Yes, Bob. I am honoring our agreement."
"Oh, my, what's it like," Bob asked with some anticipation.
"It's like nothing you could ever imagine. The lodge here is fantastic, better than any lodge we ever saw on Earth. The meetings are always well attended, the ritual is letter perfect, the friendship nights always have tons of new people just itching to join, and the spirit of fellowship blankets the place."
Bob's eyes tear up. "Oh, my, it's just like we'd hoped. I'm so happy for you. But I have to ask, during all of that, you didn't really seem all that excited. What's wrong?"
"Well, I do have some good news and some bad. The good is that we're raising a fellow to the third degree next Wednesday."
"That's fantastic. What's the bad news?"
"You've been marked down to be the Senior Deacon."
Joke 7:
A man convicted of murder is about to be executed. He stands in front of the electric chair and stares down at what will end his life. The state executioner asks him if he has any last words. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "Yes, I hate all Masons."
The state's executioner wasn't expecting something so simple and just has to ask, "Why do you hate all Masons?"
"Well, the man I killed was a Mason. The sheriff who arrested me was a Mason. The prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason. The jury who convicted me and sentenced me to die were all Masons. And the judge who passed the sentence was a Mason."
The state executioner nods. "That's a good enough reason, I guess. Are you finished?"
"I am."
The executioner gestures, "Then advance one step with your left foot..."
Joke 8:
A new member is getting phone calls several times a week to show up for various activites, weed pulling, painting, community awareness, ritual practice, etc. He is always there when they need him.
His wife finally says to him, " ever since you joined that lodge you go running every time the Master calls; I wish I was a Master".
Then man thinks for a moment and then tells her, "So do I; we get a new one every year".
-
Friend: "When did you start wearing earrings?"
Mason: "Since my wife found it with my regalia."